GladRobot’s blog

i see phallic things

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 22:25:35 -0800

Maybe dating is like pulling up on the wrong side of the pump at the gas station.

Immediately after the moment when you know its not going to work, you dont leave, you dont say, 'oh well', you dont even let the other person know. Against all intuition, you just stay with the original plan, try to accommodate the other person in hopes of a quick exit. But once you get a taste of alcohol the idiot in you might think that there's a chance of getting lucky. Don't be a fool, its not going to happen because it was never going to happen. In the end, if you're actually trying to stick it in you probably deserve to get knocked on yer ass.

Can't Pump Gas

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The best story of the year.

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 21:55:59 -0800

Man Nearly Dies Downing Vodka at Airport

Dec 12, 2007

BERLIN (AP) — A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing two pints of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new rules about carrying liquids aboard a plane, police said Wednesday.

The incident occurred Tuesday at the Nuremberg airport, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a vacation in Egypt.

New airport rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked.

Instead, he chugged the vodka — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

A doctor called to the scene determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and he was sent to a Nuremberg clinic for treatment. The man, whose name was not released, is expected to be able to go home in a few days.

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gtc6bBxeyvCEcrih-MAH6-ZkMEaAD8TG49L81

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Parallel Dating

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 21:49:21 -0800

I've decided that I perceive dating like italian women parallel park.

First you find a fit and decide to go for it.

Once you've properly scoped out the area you decide that the best method to get noticed would be the 'bump'. So you get in close next to the unassuming girl and give her a nice little bodycheck. If you're going with this move. It has got to be hard enough to get noticed and to cause a little commotion so that you can act concerned. Now a big score would be to totally knock her drink down so that you can buy her a new drink.

In actuality this is totally an awful move, afterwards both parties will surely feel like a victim in a drive by. Never the less, its in every guys playbook and will probably stay there long into the next chinese dynasty.

Woman Parks Her Car

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The bitches on my block. A bad bit by a boy.

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 00:10:44 -0800

I swears that 8/10 people on this block have a dog. And they are so small that i assume they all come in the cereal boxes from the shelves of Ralphs on Rodeo. There are a couple of poodles on the street too, surely too big for conventional sugar promotions but being as there is NO way a person would honestly want a poodle after spending oh...22 seconds with one. I'll just have to assume that Audi had some eurotrash giveaway back in August.

Asides from when the dogs on my block somehow (all 46 of em), sense a coyote and go apeshits in synchronicity - the bitches on my block are all degenerates. At first i wasnt so comfortable with disliking every dog on my block, but they wake me up before the sun rises and thats pure evil. Feeling like every dog can be taught, I knew it was right to blame their families. Hell, most problems stem from home life. Ya know, life in Beverly Hills isn't all sunshine and buttercups behind doors (even if a butler closes them for you).

Well, my assumption was half right. The dogs aren't kosher and when i was changing the poopy plywood of my gerbil cage I noticed that documented in the newspaper which lines my gerbil cage. The Times (the real ones out of NYC), has the not so secret spin into why those inbred pups that are terrorizing my mornings. Yappety-yap

PS did anyone notice that this whole bit was an attempt at building up a story and then closing off with a side remark about owning a gerbil which is far more ridiculous than owning a dog? I've got to figure out how to work this stuff better.

I cant wait to do an open mike at a comedy shack. Im going to bomb it on stage like when i sit on abandoned sand castles at the beach (pure self righteous fun).

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going nowhere is fine by me

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Tue, 04 Dec 2007 14:46:43 -0800

i feel like poop today and some of my videos dont work. But the same file plays on youtube. WTFFF. Lots of my efforts over the past week seem to get me no where. But thats okay, because ive got clarity over the situation.

The truest thing i learn-ed this week came from the Hammer gallery. Where they had this video by Francis Alys. Its five minutes of him pushing ice down a urban landscape in Mexico. The block of ice starts out huge and difficult to push. As the hot sun beams down the ice gets smaller and Franco puts in less effort, just kicking it down the avenue. Eventually the ice melts and he has nothing left to push. The video closes with the words...

"sometimes making something leads to nothing."

Francis owns this ice

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Dedicated retribution

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 15:40:02 -0800

This video is dedicated to all the girls who are a little upset about my last post.

The Angels "My Boyfriend's Back"

And i know this video dont work. either youtube or vox is messing up. im leaving it in a non working state to prove the point of my next post.

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I wont take you for granted.

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Sat, 01 Dec 2007 00:50:42 -0800

Is your boyfriend adding a few too many pounds since he started taking you for granted? Not sure? Here's how to tell.

when he tripped over on Fourth Avenue, he landed on Twelfth.
he got hit by a VW and had to go to the hospital to have it removed.
his bellybutton’s got an echo.
when he goes to the zoo the elephants throw him peanuts.
he is planning on going to the Rose Bowl Parade...wearing ropes.
and you'll see that he is getting a little too heavy into drag when he leaves the house in high heels, and comes came back in flip-flops.

Now as soon as you spot some or all of these signs, get on gmail and ask me out for a jog.

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Pop'n all over my heart

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 23:16:05 -0800

Now Walk It Out

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Now this is how you treat the ladies!

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 23:11:35 -0800

Listen up fellas.
Most girls that i know would do anything to trade places with this seal. We can learn a lot from this man (in a one piece yellow snow suit with a napkin on his head).

A Grown Man Kissing a Seal

The poor thing is so frightened that it's playing dead!

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My X-email girlfriend has a few last loving words

nobody@vox.com(GladRobot) — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 22:19:11 -0800

It wouldn't be gentlemanly of me if I didn't let her have the last word. Let me just insert some of her corrections to my previous post...

"Tell me more about who the Her is that you think you got to know in 50 hours??? What is she about, what has she done in her life?" My sherpa is giving me that, 'i wanna get out of here look.' As for myself, I really have to pee but I am definitely going to hold it until she is done talking.

I never said that I was a feminist. And yes my dad (a male) is a feminist. And yes so am I. I know that I want to stay home and be with my future children and care for both my future husband and children so you really must look into what feminism truly means and check out the Knowledge Cards called "Women Who Dare". For you it would be like taking a purifying vitamin. My chaperone is totally caught off guard because he has no idea what 'knowledge cards' are. We believe it may be the christian equivalent to a can of whoop ass. While I'm just as surprised that she declared her dad a male.

how many lost souls who truly feel they love me and have sent be huge amounts of emails b/c they realized they were projecting their garbage onto a good hearted beautiful innocent woman do you think that I have recieved. I know! I know! Is it... eleventeen?

And no I wear all sorts of clothes. I used to do music and dance...kinda like Madonna and MJ. Cool, send me a track!

PS. Remember, INTEGRITY Always!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! parenting skills, communication skills, and don't become a vegetarian or veggie whatever. yes indeed assist aspects of animals living and death like I have impacted corporations, however eat meat, fish and poultry. I was a veggie for 8 years. the answer is no. all the veggies are spaced out ding dongs. you will lose brain power. Mama,I dont do drugs, I promise. But i do want whatever she is on. Maybe its one of those all fruit diets, I hear those give you tons of unbalanced energy.

however no dairy (causes cancer)or soy (except occasional pizza and ice cream). Soy pizza? Hippies are tearing down the rainforest so they can have pizza? Do you know why carnivores dont ask for steaks that taste like tofu? Because they don't create delusional compromises which accelerate global deforestation.

I wish her all the peace and happiness and prosperity in the world. I sincerely hope that she finds her man. And if anyone out there thinks they wanna take a shot, I'd be happy to connect the two of yous.

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