Posts (page 2)

Listen up ladies! I just concluded my relationship with a reader. That's right, I'm back on the home row market "ASDF JKL; = Active Singles Dating For Just Komputer Ladies ;) " 
(My sherpa just informed me that the alcohol in my blood is quickly contaminating my jokes)

Some of you must be wondering, 'was he really seeing somebody and not talking about it?'
Well yes i was, and it was a magical relationship while it lasted. But thank gawd its over.  It dragged out for 50 hours and 13 emails and i knew from the get go that it wasn't going to last.

About her: She was small, at least her pictures were. Stunningly attractive. Feminist and probably fond of wearing earth toned clothing. Her writings were a bit all over the place but I loved her for an unbridled use of the 'send' button.

Things started out pretty fast. I got four messages from her right away which really freaked me out. But I slept on it and decided to whisper her some simple nothings. A flurry of more correspondence proceeded and I thought to myself, 'She seems really interested in something that i'm doing, I wonder if I could get this girl to marry me in less than a week?'

I told her in the title of third message to her, 'I think I'm in love with you.'

But the seasons had already changed and she was highly offended that I included one of her messages in a post. I believe she was just pissed that i didn't credit her as the author, she seemed like someone who would take plagiarism very seriously.

So that was it.  One moment and they love me, 50 hours later and the toss me aside like some blogger who uses google adsense.

What have i learned? Two things.
1. The dating via email is FREE. Holla!
2. I could probably have 2 shallow relationships for every week that I blog.
2. The abstinence is a factor. But that's okay becase I wasnt ready to be at risk for a millennium cooties cocktail. However I was very ready to send her a matching drive for FUFME. And here is an above average video of what french people think of FUFME. Disclaimer, I have no idea what they are saying but it's probably not as funny as i imagine it could be.

 

I'm sick today. What's the first thing i did once i got home. Crack open a couple of beers, of course. Opportunities to be a cheap drunk are moments that i have to exploit. Other opportunities which i cant resist include:

1. Throwing a snowball during the first snowfall of the year.

2. Driving solo in the car pool lane at 3:30am when no one is around to care.

3. Dropping industrial sized light bulbs down circular stairwells at all girls academies. The beautiful echoing sound from within Holy Names is a delicious trade off for the chaos which would always ensue. (While i'm mentioning that school (and under the influence) i will casually mention that i am still in love with the following girls from the 1998 graduating class.  Anne Wheeler, Sabrina Kessler and Soft Hands Kate.

I was told that my tone is a bit harsh towards the ladies and of how i use the term ' 'women' '.

So this special post goes out to everybody whose got identical chromosomes. The fellas can wait this one out.

1. I have womb envy.

2. She-ra was my first love and unfortunately no woman can compare. Here's the strange thing... I played with my She-ra doll when I was like 4 or 5. We made out a couple of times but nothing too serious because I wasn't aware that i had a virginity to lose back then. She-ra had wonderful long and flowing hair and a pink plastic miniskirt that kinda reminds me of the way fish scales reflected the light. Well, several years ago i was in a fabric megastore (back when i was running a small excessories business). I was walking down the isle and a roll of fabric that stuck out happened to graze across my arm. Instant wood. I was totally shocked  at why i was so suddenly aroused when all i could see was a bunch of east hastings shoplifters around me. I looked back and noticed that the fabric i touched was the exact same material that She-ra's dress was made from. Now that is love. I think this is a weak case of proving that women of power impress.

3. Freud disagrees with the above statement. Freud wrote that from a very young age boys fall in love with their mothers and get intensely jealous of their fathers. Okay, I kinda concur. I love my mom and always have. As for being 'in love' with her, I dont recall. But if so, it would probably have something to do with what she put in my milk.

 

King Charles II of Spain doesn't have a family tree but a family of snakes and ladders.

Get to know Carlos, Prince of Asturias 

He had a really hard time dating outside the family.

Carlos had only four great-grandparents instead of the maximum of eight, and only six great-great-grandparents, instead of the maximum 16, his maternal grandmother and his paternal grandfather were brother and sister, his maternal grandfather and his paternal grandmother were as well brother and sister, and two of his great-grandmothers were sisters.

I can totally relate to Carlos. Sometimes my brother treats me like I'm his kid.

Did you know that King Midas (of the near fatal 'golden
touch') was married to (get this) a greek princess named Hermodike!
Brrah hahaha.
I guess his golden touch couldn't help him out with the
ladies.

Wendy is my not-so-secret lover because she draws me things like this.

Maybe Mothers should treat their daughters like their Mothers. That makes sense to me. Then Grandmothers will be able to carry on the legacy. Coo with me.

But let's about how i'd treat my daughter, rather how any man probably wishes he treated his daughter.

Fact:  Men know men.

Fact:  Their are certain things that men could agree upon but will never utter out loud. I'll break the code of silence and let the women in on a little secret. Women are not-so-good a fellatio. According to my gay friends, guys are great at it. And that makes total sense, because we know our equipment. And the proof? Well, I'm positive that women would say the same about cunnilingus.  (Note: As a hetero i will agree that a 'mouth is just a mouth' but I will NOT accept further proof regarding my blind comment.)

Now based on the above facts i will let you in on another secret. Because men know men, we know how wicked our minds are. When a man has a daughter he is instantly no longer a 'man's man' but now a 'defender of women.' This father must now protect his daughter against all preying eyes every where she goes. The ultimate and desired form of defense is not commonly accepted in today's society. Thus, locking our daughters up under the stairs isn't widely practiced. And sometimes i have to say, too bad, because it would really be done with the best of intentions.

Back to the quote at the start. It would be with the kindest of intentions that i would over protect my daughter, but no woman ever wants to be treated that way. So, it was nice thought, but i dont think that's the best approach in how to court women. I'm guessing that they would just rather be treated like 'one of the guys.'

The other day, I got back from Hana on Maui with some rocks in my pocket. Not only was my rental car a loozer in a death match against a ferocious palm leaf but my car had been broken into and a tree fell on my house. (yes, the same house that bing crosby lived in). But i couldn't have really cared about that stuff because i was off to meet a nice gal for coffee.

Walking out the door, i noticed that the road on westwanda drive was blocked because the fine men of the city were happily working on thanksgiving saturday (!?) to remove the tree. I wish i had a photo but it was about 50 years old and had broken in two when a ninja delivery truck judo chopped it.  Because they uprooted the tree an laid it across the road they actually had to saw it in half to clear the way for me. Overall i was super impressed with how fast they removed woody. The house is another story. But regardless, I was late.

Once i arrived and clued in to the fact that i was to be having coffee solo i went into repentance mode. Now as i was raised in catholic schools, repentance is now my middle name. I began to work my way through 50 hail Mary's when i noticed a florist across the way.

The sherpa in me said, 'go there and repent.' The chaperone in me agreed.

Once inside i was confronted with the korean shop keep, "and just exactly what would you like to send her?"

'Um...hells if i know. What's the basic 'I'm sorry package."

To which the florist capitalized on my ass with, 'Ahhhhrw, Rorses, it is!'

My sherpa stepped in and said, 'wo wo wo, retreat back to the base camp. Do not buy her roses.'

My chaperone said, 'Its a risky move. I think that this play was executed properly last by Richard Gere in 'Pretty Woman. Let's win her with this elegant sign of chivalry.'

Sidenote: NO ONE in Beverly Hills respects the very important double yellow line dividing traffic. I have been nearly killed every morning and night that i drive to work along the wicked mulholland drive. I have screamed, honked, highbeamed all that i could in return until all that is now left is this shattered existence of a man. A man that now believes that, it is okay to cross the line.

So i crossed the line and ordered the roses, venti sized. (Notice how the evil starbucks corporation has further tainted a bad idea)

Realizing immediately how catastrophic that move was, i engaged in a second backup plan that would assure that i was not obsessed but merely keeping things comical because its fun to go over the top. And fun is the root of funny. Beware, the link below may cause damage to members hip hop community, but damn is it funny.

http://www.songsender.com/songs/112507molly.mp3 - shitters the song is down and i dont have a copy.

before doing ANY of this i should have consulted this video...

In retrospect, what actually happened was that when the planned meeting went wrong, my sherpa was suffering from altitude sickness and proceeded to make some rather poor decisions.

So, the next time that my car, house and social plans all get destroyed in a 12 hour window - I'm just gonna take a step back, reflect and order a hooker. (I hear that they are really good listeners.)